Akatsuki Kittens
by Silver Eternity
Summary: I was reading a story called "Acatsuki",and it inspired me towards some Akatsuki teasing by making them cats and subjecting them to their own personal "adventure" as kittens for an indeterminable time. Rated MA for my and Hidan's mouth,and adult themes
1. Meet Kinta

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any character from Naruto OR FullMetal Alchemist. If I did,why in the hell would I be on here instead of cranking out manga "special editions" of this stuff?! Also,Kinta Morinojasii and her ways,belongings,and past DO belong to me,and if you use them without permission I _WILL_ fuckin' hunt you down,spam you,report you,and make your life generally **_HELL_**,understand?! However,I am generally a very laid-back person and as long as you send me a little message or something to notify(ask) me for use of my characters I am going to say "go ahead". Also,when using my characters, please put some sort of note attached that the charrie is mine,that way people who have befriended me don't assume you're stealing and flame your ass with the black fires of hell,mmm'kay?

What The Hell Do You Mean,"Special Cats"?!

Kinta Morinojasii,a young woman of twenty four,was a remarkable woman. She was known,in particular,for her incredible connection with animals. Thus,she was the woman one went to if one had a particularly unmanageable pet. No matter what kind of pet it was,she could seemingly connect to them on some primal level that brought them under control almost immediately. She didn't LOOK like the most amazing thing to hit the world of pet ownership since the dog and horse whisperers were exposed as frauds- in fact,she looked rather plain. She had long,light brown hair,dull green eyes,a typically peach complexion,and was about 6 feet tall. She dressed in washed-out looking jeans(that had quite a few rips in them) and a baggy t-shirt,also dully colored,and her most interesting feature of clothing -her boots- were mostly hidden beneath the loose-fitting jeans. The only part you could see were the bottom of the laces,held in place by silver studs,and the heavily scarred black leather that was pointed at the toe,strongly attached to the inch-thick soles with half-inch deep treads. One might wonder exactly why someone in the business of mere pet sitting would prefer to wear boots clearly used for fast movement and possibly combat,but whenever the subject was brought up,Kinta only smiled mysteriously and replied,"They're mementos from an old friend that used to be a soldier." Anyone who knew her knew it for a damn lie,but no matter what they tried,they never got the true answer out of her.

Now,Kinta was an easygoing person,and she could never say no to an animal in need. So it happened,when a stranger knocked,shoved a box into her hands,and ran,she did not place the box outside,toss it,or otherwise discard it. She looked inside,and what she found nearly killed her then and there. Kittens. And a good number of 'em,too. The hell?! Why would someone abandon these little defenseless creatures?! With a low growl directed towards the man who dumped these little balls of fuzz,she gently set the box on her couch and started to examine the baby cats,one by one. The first was the largest kitten she'd ever seen,with incredibly bright _blue _fur. It opened it's mouth to let out a mewl,and she also saw the most sharklike teeth she'd ever seen in ANY cat,and she put it on the couch cushion with surprising gentleness. Ignoring it's beady black gaze,she reached in for the next one. This little thing was brindled with brown and maroon,and it's eyes were...almost reversed,with white pupil and black everything else. Raising her eyebrow,she picked up the next after setting the brindle close to the first kitten. The right half of this kitten was striped white,it's left black,and it had bright yellow eyes. She frowned,concerned. These kittens were like nothing she'd ever seen before...the next had odd bright orange fur,with quite a lot of gray markings on it's face,with two triangle under it's mouth and three dots on either side of it's nose,and t's eyes were ringed layers of orange. Continuing to extract them from the box,she became more and more curious. This one here had fur that sparkled bright silver and purple eyes,and seemed to glare angrily as she lifted it out of the box and looked it over.

Next came a kitten with entirely ink-black fur,with eyes of beautiful bright crimson,then one with black fur but a strange orange swirl design over it's face. Following was a sandy-colored kit with bright blue-green eyes and scruff of rough-looking fur sticking up behind it's ears,and lastly a cat with..._red _fur,one part over it's chest particularly dark colored. She eyed them all,lined up as they were along her couch cushions,each standing straight as possible,almost like they knew they were being evaluated cryptically. After a bit of trying to figure things out,she sighed. "Damn me for a fool,I just can't say no! Especially not with eyes like those staring me down," she muttered,eyeing the red-eyed cat. She rocked back on her heels, then sighed again. "Okay,listen up. Y'all get to live with me until further notice. None of you got tags,so I will name you myself as I- Oh hell! Now what does that ijit want?!" Angrily,she picked up her cell phone,which was the source of the noise that had interrupted her. "Yeah? Wha- HELL NO!! Shit,I'm not takin' care of Greed for that little amount!! Huh? But I-no,no,no,I can't take him for any less than- Damn it,Dante! Grrr...drop him off tomorrow mornin',and you'd BETTER have the cash with ya. What? Envy and Wrath too?! Gah,fine!" Snapping the phone shut,she scowled at it for a second,then slid her gaze back to the cats,still standing at sharp attention like soldiers,now with their ears directed towards her curiously. After a second her gaze softened,and she gave a quiet chuckle. "Y'know,y'all remind me of a group from one of my favorite tv shows...actually...it's almost like you're copies of them in kitten form."

She gently ran the pads of her fingers over the head of the blue one,a half-smile tilting the corner of her mouth. "You're gonna be named after them,as long as you're kitty clones. You,little blue,are Kisame. Complete with shark teeth. And your partner," she ran the index finger of her other hand along the edge of the red-eyed cat's cheekbone,"the infamous Uchiha Itachi,red-eyed and dangerous as hell. As for you," she moved the hand that had been on Kisame to the reverse-eyed kitten, "you're Kakuzu,brown-haired and brindled with stitches all over,and obsessed with anything of value. Your partner is the Jashinist High Priest," she stroked the silver cat's back gently, "Hidan. Blondie,I knew you the second I saw them eyes,Deidara the explosionist. And you,lucky bastard," she ruffled the sticking-up ruff at the back of it's neck while stretching her other hand to the red-furred cat, "get Sasori the puppet master for a partner. You,Tobi," she tapped the forehead of the cat with an orange swirl on it's face, "meanwhile get to be the partner of cannibalistic Zetsu." She rubbed under the chin of the half-white half-black cat as she said "Zetsu",and she stared at the last cat with stern eyes. "And you,little Orange,can stop giving me the glare of death. I know you well,Pein,leader of the Akatsuki. All those piercing marks in your fur are unmistakable,even if I didn't recognize your eyes." The cat still glared,and Kinta glared right back. Hearing a knock,she frowned,eyes leaving the cat and looking at the door questioningly. "The hell? Nobody visits me this late on my day off..."

She got to her feet and opened the door,only to find nobody there. Raising an eyebrow,she looked from side to side,and though she didn't see anyone,she _did_ see the note that had been pinned to her door with a knife. _How fuckin' original_,she grumbled mentally,_the coward. Well,it's a decent knife,_she observed as she wrenched it out of the door,_I think I'll keep it._She read over the note,eyes moving quickly from line to line,before her lip curled up to bare her teeth in an almost animalistic sneer,her overly large and sharp canine teeth apparent from the way her lips drew back over them. "They're yours now,you know the drill,keep 'em and love 'em like ya always do,but be careful- they're special cats. What the fuck does the bitch mean,"special cats"?!" Meanwhile,unknown to her,all nine cats -each of them abnormally intelligent- had been listening to every word.

Silva:(bows) Well,I'm takin' a shot at this. I got a pretty good idea of what I'm gonna do with it,but I'm checkin ta see if anyone else is interested. Also,I'm still lookin' fer a good beta. I plan on continuing this,once I decide exactly HOW people from animes have been transported to our world and forced into kitten's bodies...and I am up for suggestions on that,by the way. Oh,damn! I gave somthin' from the next part away!! If yer clever 'nough to figger out what it is,I'll find a way to have ya make an appearance in the story! Oh,and all this down 'ere? It's the best was I can figger to type how my accent sounds,so no,all the apostrophes an' words with misplaced letters are NOT mistakes,they're intentional. 'Kay?


	2. Kittens,Meet The Dog: Filler

Chapter 2- The Cat's Point of View

Orange tail bottle-brushed with fury,Pein whirled on his subordinates. "This is unbelievable," he growled,"not only does she know there's something wrong with us,she knows ALL of us! It can't be good that she knows each of us by name. And how _dare_she disrespect me like that!! She's nothing but a mere human civilian!" Itachi,his red eyes narrowed furiously,got to his paws. Putting himself nose-to-nose wit his former leader,he spat quietly,"She dares because you're a _kitten_. Not even a _fraction_ of her size. And none of this would have happened if _you _hadn't tried to draw on the Biju's power before we had all ten!" Pein drew his lips back over his sharp little kitten teeth,eyes fair burning with anger. "How was I to know that the Cat Demon would use it's power to lash at us like this?! We've been stranded in a world where Ninja don't exist! I had no idea other worlds even _existed_,much less that we'd be sent to one!!" Itachi's claws sprang out,starting to dig into the carpet as he attempted to keep his temper in check. "You knew better than anyone else that the Cat Demon wasn't properly sealed! Of course it would lash out at us!" Pein's leash on his temper,also short,snapped. Hurling himself on the Uchiha with a yowl,the two began scratching and clawing at each other,hissing and spitting and yowling as thorn-sharp claws dug into fur and dagger like teeth dug into flanks. Quick to realize this would bring the human woman,Kisame leapt forward and grabbed his partner by the scruff of his neck,pulling him away from Pein as Deidara did the same with the orange kit.

Zetsu,ever the level-headed one,licked a paw,cleaning idly behind his ear as he remarked,"There's nothing we can do about it now. That man refused to be our owner and deal with this curse,so we're pretty much stranded until we find a way to communicate with this one. **So stop bitching already and start figuring out how we're goin ta get through to the wench without her throwing us out too."**Kakuzu,looking over the things in the room and appraising their value to entertain himself,wrapped his tail around his paws. "She lives well. Whatever she does for a living,it looks extremely profitable. And she seems to know a lot about animals... maybe she's a vet?" Hidan licked at his chest fur,where there was a small patch of dark gray fur in the shape of his Jashinist rosary,trying to smooth out the triangle's lower point. "Well,that's just fucking perfect. Should make it one hell of a lot easier to get through to the damned bitch." "A bitch am I?" thundered a voice from above, all the kittens craning their necks to look upward and finding the face of their newest owner,"Hidan,little fool,you seem to forget you're a kitten. You want a bitch,I'll show you a _bitch_." And suddenly her nose began to elongate,her mouth stretching wider and wider,as she got steadily shorter. Smelling a new scent,all the kittens suddenly began to scramble backwards. They had no idea what this smell was,but whatever it was roused deep instincts to run,instincts that seized them and held their tiny kitten bodies in a iron grip. The woman continued to get closer and closer to them,suddenly stopping about three or four feet from the floor. Her clothes started to shred as he shoulder blades became more pronounced,her knees abruptly changing directions with a sickening _CRACK_ and her stomach suddenly sinking in until she was extremely skinny,even while her spine elongated. Short but sharp claws sprouted from her hands and feet even as both began to become less wide, fingers drawing in on themselves to become short and stubby. Suddenly,her entire body seemed to tighten around her frame,becoming all muscles and tendons and... _fur_?!

To the surprise of all the kittens,the woman was now covered head-to-toe in reddish-black and light brown fur,and her body was long and sleek,with a very long and pointed snout with a large black nose,sharp eyes,four paws,a short,stubby tail, large,pointed ears,and a mouthful of teeth that was so big se could probably fit two whole kittens in it,no problem. Her coloring was one they'd never seen before,with the brown fur going up er chest and ten down her underbelly and down her legs to her paws,but with the black on her flanks,and the bottom half of her jaw was also light brown,along with two ovular spots on the bones of her eye ridges. And there, standing before them,was the most terrifying monster they had EVER seen. Then that terrible mouth opened,and the _foulest _smell overcame them at that second. "You wanted a bitch,Hidan. Yet you seem to be backing up the fastest. What's the matter? Never seen one before?" As she spoke,she lowered her head to the kitten's level,the tip of her nose almost touching Hidan,who had backed up so fast he'd tripped and landed on his back with his soft underbelly exposed. And whenever she pronounced an 's',the corners of her mouth stretched back and bared all those white,terrifying triangular teeth. The fact that she was smiling evilly didn't help either. The others,trying to survive that horrible smell,were covering their noses with their paws. "Ugh," Tobi muttered,speaking for the first time during this ordeal,"dog breath is always so stinky!" The words hung in the air for a second,then suddenly every kitten's eyes widened to incredible sizes. "_DOG?!_" The former young woman smirked and snapped at them,sending them scattering with terrified yowls and screeches.

"I told you I'd show you a _bitch_," she mocked as she chased them,nipping at their heels,their tiny kitten legs no match for her adult dog's,"and in case you fools forgot,a 'bitch' is _a female dog_!!" She deliberately clipped her jaws together hairs away from their tails and paws,herding them around the room until she had all nine crowded into the corner. As the jagged teeth crept closer and closer,predatory eyes watching them from behind the long snout,they scrambled onto and over each other in desperation to get away,and when there wasn't anywhere for them to go anymore ...closing her mouth,she stretched forward a bit and nuzzled the kitten closest to her,which just happened to be Zetsu. "Well,now that I've given you a lesson in word definition,I'll leave you to settle in while I get ready for bed. Behave yourselves." And without so much as another glance,she trotted off into the apartment,picking up her torn clothes on the way and taking them with her. Once she had left,the Akatsuki crawled off of each other and assembled in a circle in the middle of the floor. After a few seconds of silence,Sasori spoke in his usual emotionless voice. "I think it would be best if we refrained from ever insulting our new owner again." Eight heads nodded frantically in agreement,all nine tiny kitten hearts still pounding hard enough to come out of their chests and the stench of dog,big,powerful,_terrifying _dog still in their noses.

(A/N)Well,'ere ya go. Now,this don't actually HAPPEN in the story,at least not yet. But I've kept the readers(if anybody actually reads this story) without any action for a long time,and it makes me feel guilty. So this is a little episode that played out in my head and would've happened if I wasn't waiting for my co-author to get back from vacation so she can 'elp me write the next chapter!! So yeah...enjoy my little kitten torture scene. Oh,and if anybody can guess what breed of dog that was,you get points and you can pick a pet for Kinta to pet-sit for a couple days! No go cliky that little purple button that says "review" and make me happy so I can maybe give you another chapter to chew on while I wait for my co-author to get here.


	3. Uchiha's Filler

Filler 2

Okay,this chapter is dedicated to someone who favored this bitch,and encouraged me to give you,my precious few readers,to give you another filler to chew on while I wait for the REAL SECOND FUCKIN' CHAPTER to be published by my co-author,who is back from vacation but lazy. So y'all can thank KuraiUciha for this funny little thing. ENJOY!

(set further into the time line) As the nine cats lounged in various places on their owner's living room furniture,Kinta returned from the shopping trip she'd made,the highly distinctive _taptap THUMP _of her heavy boots alerting the cats to her approach. Having become comfortable with the odd woman,most of the Akatsuki merely flicked their tails in greeting and returned to whatever they had been doing. Tobi,however,rose from his spot near Zetsu on the windowsill and leapt to er shoulder. "Kinta-chan,you're back! What did you get?" Chuckling,she reached up and petted the kitten's swirled head fur. "Food,vodka,beer,the usual. Oh,and this time I finally remembered to pick up some kitten shampoo." Ears began to perk, in pairs,at this,and Tobi asked in confusion,"Kitten shampoo? What do you need that for?" At this point,eight ears were perked and paying attention,waiting for her answer eagerly. "For your baths,of course! Normal shampoos make you guys nearly freeze until you're dried off." Fourteen ears. "We need baths? But Tobi is good and cleans himself all the time!" Eighteen ears. "Yeah,but not even you guys can wash yourselves perfectly all the time. Ya still need tri-monthly baths." Fully understanding the situation,even if Tobi didn't,Pein ordered in a desperate yowl,"SCATTER!!" All the cats immediately moved to obey,disappearing from sight- all except the still-clueless Tobi and a very unlucky Zetsu,who had been snatched up as he darted too close to Kinta's foot. Satisfied with her catch,Kinta moved into the bathroom and shut the door.

TOBI AND ZETSU

Tobi,always eager to please,purred and rubbed against Kinta as she ran the warm water. Tobi still wasn't sure why he needed a bath,but if Kinta-chan said he needed it he believed her. She was,after all,the expert. Zetsu,meanwhile,had hidden in the corner behind the toilet,unable to open the door to escape but completely unwilling to submit to being washed. As she wet and gently scrubbed Tobi's fur,Kinta commented,"You know no matter how much you bite or scratch or scream that you will get washed,Zetsu. If you cooperate,things will go much more nicely for you." Zetsu hissed from his position,"I am a fully grown 'plant man',as you once called me,and I will NOT be washed by some adolescent human just because I happen to be in the body of a kitten." Kinta sighed. "First of all,I am an adult human. Second,can you touch between your shoulder blades?" When silence answered her,she smirked. "I thought not. You're getting a bath whether you like it or not- I will not put up with fleas,and you got outside far too much for these baths not to be necessary." Lifting Tobi out of the tub and toweling him dry as she drained it,she refilled the tub with warm water again and wrapped Tobi in a towel as she reached around and with startling quickness grabbed Zetsu by his scruff. Clawing furiously at her hand and arm,though unable to bite,Zetsu fought all the way through his bath. As his punishment,his bath was not only twice as long,but exponentially more unpleasant than Tobi's. Because she had to use one hand to restrain him and keep him in the tub,Kinta couldn't pour the icy cold shampoo into her other hand to warm it and was forced to pour it directly onto his soaking wet fur,thus chilling him to the bone.

His rinse water was also freezing,because his struggles made it take so long to lather all his fur that the once-pleasantly-warm water had lost it's heat by the time she was ready to rinse him. His toweling was also considerably rougher,due to the fact that he was constantly trying to fight his way out of the towel and had to be held with one of her hands. In fact,by the time she deemed Zetsu ready to be released, Tobi was fully dry and curled up on the toilet lid,watching Zetsu struggle with mild disinterest. Gathering both kittens,Kinta opened the door and deposited them on the couch,her excellent nose twitching as she tracked down the next two kittens with unerring accuracy.

KAKUZU AND PEIN

Unlucky enough to have both been hiding beneath the couch when the woman overturned it,Kakuzu and Pein were the next pair to be captured. While the ever-flexible Pein managed to twist out of her grip multiple times after she got him in the bathroom and the door was shut,he still couldn't escape the small room and was eventually snagged by the tail before being unceremoniously tossed into the now-cold bathwater. With a snarl,he immediately started to climb out of the bathtub,paws scrabbling for purchase on the slick sides. Matching his snarl,she held him down with a hand,not flinching even when he tore into both her hands with teeth and claws, spitting curses and threats the whole way. His bath was made particularly unpleasant,because he wound up getting soap in his mouth and eyes with his constant struggles,and rather than rinsing him off gently she simply dumped water over his face and head,giving him the feeling of drowning,and did so repeatedly. After he had been yanked from the tub and balled into a towel,which she shook violently until she deemed him dry enough,she dumped him on the cold floor and picked Kakuzu up with a hand underneath his ribs. Kakuzu,unlike his former leader,was feeling pretty lazy,and simply asked,"If I don't protest this humiliating treatment,can I be bribed to do so?" Kinta smiled a little,gently lowering him into the clean water she had drawn for him while shaking Pein dry. "Sure. How's a pure silver collar sound? You can sell it if you ever get back to human form,and it's valuable even in kitten form." He yawned,lowering himself in the water so his underbelly was soaked,and replied,"Sure,that works. As long as it's not silver spray paint again."

She winced at the reminder of the last time she bribed Kakuzu,quickly lathering and rinsing him before drying him gently,as she had with Tobi. As Pein gave his once-subordinate a death glare,Kinta snorted,opening the door and allowing both cats to streak out of the bathroom as she tracked down and retrieved the next two.

KISAME AND SASORI

Kisame,being the shark-man that he was,loved the water naturally. However, he did NOT particularly enjoy being man-handled by a woman not only with the ability to tear him to shreds,but also roughly ten times his size. This did not mean to say he fought or struggled against her of course,just that he wined periodically whenever her fingers were a bit too rough in sensitive areas. This included not only the base of his tail and his genitals,but his ears,paw pads,and scruff. She chuckled,and after a particularly high-pitched whine,she offered to let him play in the water a while as compensation. He gladly accepted that offer and amused himself for the next forty minutes as she sat back and petted Sasori behind the ears. After finally coaxing Kisame into letting her dry him off,it was Sasori's turn. Sasori,being a frankly apathetic person,just sat there and let her do as she pleased,allowing her to bathe him in record time,including the time it took to dry him. Really rather pleased with this development (she never expected to be lucky enough to get two cats to cooperate at once during bath time),Kinta opened the door and went to find the next cats while Kisame and Sasori strutted casually out.

DEIDARA,ITACHI,AND HIDAN

Deidara had listened to the conversations of the cats to exit the room,and had deduced that the quickest and most pleasant way to get through this ordeal was simply to do as she asked. Itachi,ever stoic,had discovered the exact same thing, but refused to stoop so low as to obey a mere civilian woman. Deciding to wash Deidara first,Kinta didn't have any trouble and the blond was out and dried in just a little longer time than Sasori. Itachi hissed and spat curses and insults the entire time,occasionally getting a sarcastic retort in return,but otherwise cooperated. His bath as also relatively short and pleasant. Hidan,however,was having none of it. he hid in corners,constantly twisted out of her hands,and whacked repeatedly at her hands with his clawed paws- and all this before she even got him in the tub. He kept screeching that it was against his religion to be touched like that, and scratched and screamed and bit to try and keep her away. Eventually,she did get her hands firmly around his middle,and she deposited him in the now-icy bathwater and held him there as he tried to scramble out,hoisting his upper body over the tub lip and escaping several times,getting most of the bathroom(and all off the bathroom's occupants) completely soaked. Unlike with Pein,however,Kinta wasn't losing er temper. She made sure not to touch him in the places he was screeching about,and when he was finally lathered up she rinsed him gently,avoiding his nose so he didn't have the drowning feeling.

Deidara and Itachi,both rather disgruntled from being soaked all over again, were all for putting Hidan through hell,and were wondering why she didn't. As she toweled Hidan off(still avoiding the 'no touch' zones)Deidara hopped up on her shoulder and asked,"Why ain't you done nothin' to him yet like you did with Leader-sama,un? Hidan's made you bleed a whole lot more than even Leader-sama,but you're bein' really nice to him,yeah." Kinta smirked,gently toweling Hidan's head off. "Two reasons. First,I like Hidan a lot more than I like Pein. Pein is a bitch because he has no power now and is annoying as hell. Hidan isn't. Second,I respect other people's religions and Hidan is reacting the only way he knows how to defend his beliefs and god,because he truly does not wish to disobey Jashin. Therefore I will tolerate it from Hidan,whereas I will not tolerate it from Pein because Leader-sama was just throwing a hissy fit." Removing the towel,she looked Hidan over. "We good with Jashin-sama,Hidan?" He growled a little,checking himself over,before sniffing in a sarcastic manner. "Yeah,I fuckin' suppose goddamn so." He hesitated a moment,then looked away from her. "Thanks.....I guess." Stepping forward a little, Hidan gently stuck out his tongue and licked away the blood from her hands,cleaning both the wounds he had inflicted and those she had gotten from Pein. When he had finished, Kinta smiled and opened the door,exiting with Deidara still riding on her shoulder, and sworn to secrecy about what had just occurred,but smiling the widest her little pets had ever seen.

As mentioned in the beginning,this is set much further in the story's timeline,and is long after they get to know Kinta and get used to her,even perhaps have grown kinda attached to 'er. Review and make me happy and maybe you'll get more filler chapters to chew on!


	4. The ACTUAL Aecond Chapter: Enter Remi

HOLY SHIT IT'S THE ACTUAL SECOND CHAPTER!!!!

Yeah yeah yeah..I know,what the hell took our lazy asses so long? I nagged my co-author and she wrote this chapter for y'all!! Oh,and as hwer self-imposed "punishment" for taking so damned long,she's also writing the third! I know,I know,"You mean we're gonna be stuck waiting AGAIN?!" but ya gotta remember, once authors like us get on a roll,we get ON A ROLL! She should,hopefully,come out with the third chapter soon. And DON'T. FUCKING. FLAME HER. If you flame anybody,flame me. I didn't ride her lazy ass enough. Right,yeah,shut UP Silva and let the story get on......fuck you,Hidan, shut up or I swear to YOUR god I'll give you catnip and let you embarass yourself in front of the whole damn Akatsuki again! Yeah,well go fuck Itachi! *beats on the human Hidan,who was making "remarks" in my ear,and chases him out of the room*

Remi was not average. She liked being center of attention, belle of the ball, the apple of your eye.... get what I'm saying? If someone was more beautiful than her (and trust me, Remi went out of her way to make sure there was no one more beautiful than her), she tore the bitch's hair out (see what I mean?).

So Morning dawned on Remi.... in a bit of a bitchy way (is it just me or is that karma calling?).

"REMI YOU LAZY ASS! IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASS OUTTA BED I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU OVER! YOU HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY! JOB INTERVIEW! GET UP, GET DRESSED, AND DON'T FORGET TO EAT AND GRAB YOUR KEYS! REMI I KNOW YOUR STILL SLEEPING, GET UP UP UP AND MOOOOVE!"

Remi let out a soft groan, one hand moved, flopped, and attempted again to find the absolutely annoying alarm that she'd recorded herself. "Job...Job interview..." she muttered, repeating the message. "Job interview..." finally the stupid alarm was in her hand. she grasped it, ready to chuck it against the wall, glancing at the time. "Job inter–DEAR GOD MY JOB INTERVIEW!!"

The Beautiful woman threw herself out of bed in a hurry, tripping over her comforter in an attempt to make it into the bathroom. If she just skipped her daily facial and didn't bother with makeup, perhaps she'd make it to the vet's in time for the interview. She knocked over a few bottles of bud light in her hurry, and suddenly realized why she had still been sleeping. Those fricken beers. Last time she ever had beer before a job interview.

She'd found the job in a newspaper. She'd been desperate. If she didn't get a job soon she wouldn't be able to afford the twenty pairs of shoes she was planning to buy when they went on sale. Besides. The girl in the paper had been absolutely adorable. Real cute and tough. Remi could bet all the shoes she'd bought when she was drunk that the girl owned a motorcycle. That would just be the cherry on top. With sugar and sprinkles and maybe even a waffle cone.

Lucky Remi. The heel of her best shoe was broken. So she had to wear her "they're good, but not as good" pair that she saved only when she was desperate. And she was definitely desperate. As she rushed out the door, she could still hear her alarm clock screaming threats and reminders. "Keys keys, where are my keys?"

"KEYS ARE ON THE KITCHEN TABLE, DON'T YOU FORGET IT OR I'M GONNA–!"

With that, Remi burst out the door, locking it while munching on a piece of toast and still struggling with the cuff link of her blouse. She climbed into a taxi, taking her emergency brush from her purse and doing a once over of her hair in the rear-view mirror.

She followed the line of houses down the street. She was tired. She was pissed off. Not half as many men had stared at her on the subway this morning. And she hadn't gotten her trustworthy energizing gulp of beer.

So when she burst into "Kinta's" front door, she made straight for coffee, which she could smell in the kitchen. The night before she'd planned a polite "hi, I'm here for the job interview?", but who was this–

oh my god, look at those boots. Where'd she get them? They looked so sexy on her. Turn around, how good are you from the front? A bright blue cat mewled at her from around her foot. "Oh hi there cutie pie. Aren't you an odd one." The blue kitten snapped at her with sharp shark like teeth. "Mean too ain't ya? But I like you." she picked the kitten up and cuddled it to her chest.

Kisame let out a purr. "Ooh I like her. Nice boobs." Remi could swear she saw the red eyed black kitten roll it's eyes at the one in her arms.

"Kisame likes you. I won't tell you why. But he likes you." Remi looked up at the vet and barely kept herself from squealing in delight. She stuck out her hand instead. Cute girls were almost as energizing as bud light.

"I'm Remi Lurentsu, here to be your receptionist at the vet?" wow, she almost managed a polite conversation. Boobs.... she wanted to... no! Must stop herself. She forced a smile onto her non-lip glossed mouth. She was about to say something else...

When a vortex opened up right in front of her, spewing out kittens and humans and odd mixes of the two.

TBC


	5. The Third chapter OMG its finally here!

Holy fuck we actually got chapter three done,and I swear to god I might have a fourth by Monday or Tuesday,not from me but HER! She's on a roll,dammit!

Oh yeah,self-pimping: go check out my Silva's Misadventures if you like this kind of insane batshit stuff. Silva's in here too as a backstory character but won't come in until like my fourth chapter at earliest.

The Vortex and The Problem with time space continuum.

Urahara would admit, it wasn't the smartest thing he'd ever done. And he'd done some pretty stupid things, like that time with the....well he didn't wanna get into that. But this.... this definitely took the cake. This was worse than that time with Yuroichi's lopsided pudding. Or Aizen's hair gel. Or both of them combined.

And boy, did combined have anything to do with this story!

So Urahara had been pondering the time space continuum. As all scientists do. He also pondered kittens, and how they and the time space continuum could help each other out. A crazy idea. But hey. Nothing great had ever been born from sane thought. Not even babies.

"Mayuri. I've had an excellent Idea!" Urahara exclaimed. Mayuri gave him a look. "See, if we just mix this do-dad with this do-hicky and this whatchamacallit we might be able to rip open a portal in the fourth wall!"

"So basically you wanna take cat DNA, send it through the wire, and hope that the computer does what we want it to." Urahara and Mayuri stared at each other for a long moment before both grinning and getting strait to work.

Between yells, a few explosions and the meow of an innocent cat, Nemu, who'd been waiting outside, had no idea what was happening. The entire plan just sort of blew up in the two scientists faces. Quite literally. Nemu rushed into the room, not quite sure what to expect.

Through the smoke, electric blue light shone. A worm hole through the fabric of space and time. Mayuri and Urahara were sitting beside it, cat ears and tails twitching. Nemu couldn't say anything before both were sucked into the portal. Nemu let out an undignified yelp and rushed outside the laboratory, calling for aid.

X.x.X

"So, let me get this strait." Ichigo said, crossing his arms. He stood in front of various others who'd answered Nemu's call for help, some of which he didn't even know why they were there. "Hat'n'clogs and Mr. Creepy Face were fucking around, got turned into freaks, and then disappeared into that shiny hole over there."

Nemu nodded.

"And what exactly do you want us to do about it?" Shinji asked. "If Urahara and Mayuri got dragged some where horrible, isn't it their own fault? I mean, look at what they did to that cat!" he pointed to a small kitty that was stuck in a few wires."

Nemu opened her mouth to plead with them to help, but the vortex made a sputtering noise. It crackled, sparked, turned a slew of colors, and sucked all of our heroes in. And spit Mayuri and Urahara right back out.

The very meaning of life, the secrets of the universe, the final episode of one of those never ending dramas, it was all there in the vortex through the fourth wall and the space time continuum. But for the people being tossed about in there, none of that had any meaning. They simply wanted to get off.

When they did, they were spit out onto the floor in a heap.

"Get offa me you freaking oaf!"

"You're on my foot you're on my foot get off my foot!"

"Who the hell just groped my ass! I'll punch a fucking hole in you!"

"Ew."

By the time everyone had managed to get untangled, they looked around, and found themselves staring at a giant woman holding a blue cat.

Shinji turned to Ichigo. "Am I missing something here?" and then he noticed twitching cat ears atop Ichigo's head, he turned, looked at Grimmjow, who had magically been turned into a cat. Then back at Ukitake and Unohana and everyone....they were all cats! Except, for some reason, Nemu, who was sitting quietly, gazing between the two women and a whole bunch of other cats.

Staring at his own orange paw, Shinji sighed. "I'm definitely missing something."

TBC


	6. And the Introductions Begin

Akatsuki Kittens,Chapter 4: And the Introductions Begin

Staring at the pile of kittens and human-cat crossbreeds on her floor,Kinta sighed and began to spearate them from one another,having heard the desperate and angry yowls they kept throwing at each other. Once they were all sraightened out and lined up (if messily,the teal kitten kept trying to pounce on the others and there was one with extremely spiky fur who kept _actually_ pouncing on the others and starting squabbles) she prepared to interrogate those who could speak when a ripping sound abruptly echoed through the apartment. A long slit appeared in the air,then opened into a much more organized portal,spat out four kittens and a large amount of money,and closed up again quite neatly.

Making a low sound of irritation deep in her throat,Kinta scooped up the money and tossed it into a basket near the couch,which upon closer inspection by a brindled kitten contained what must've been nearly fifty pounds of cash- that's close to,dear god,half a million dollars or more!!! While Kakuzu leapt into the basket,damn near foaming at the mouth and wondering just how he could have missed this,Kinta straightened up to her full height of six feet (six foot one with her beloved boots) and made a remarkably convincing cat noise; you know that low _rrrrrrrmmmmmmrrrrrrrrrrr_ a cat makes when it's warning you that it's about to unleash hell and fury from teeth and claws on some offending limb? That rumbled throughout the room, making every kitten and even the hybrids (for lack of a better word to call them) freeze. They then laid down and quickly rolled over to show thier bellies and necks submissively at another cat sound,and angry sort of _chuff_.

Her lip pulling back to reveal oddly large canine teeth,the expert vet crouched down in front of the mass of kittens,balancing on the balls of her feet. "Alright,intros first. These four," she gestured to the kittens that came from the second portal,"are Envy,Greed,Wrath,and Lust. They are Homunculi and even in kitten form therefore immortal to any techniques you could wield against them. Don't fight 'em,I don't care _how_ much Wrath and Eveny provoke you or Greed steals your stuff. That reminds me,Greed,why in the fuck is Lust here too? Dante only mentioned you,Wrath an' Envy." The cat in question scratched idly under his chin with a back paw,tan fur the color of his human skin clashing with the dark blue-black of his underbelly. "Ah, I see you wanna tell me in private,very well." Turning to the hyrid now,her eyes narrowed and both men shrank back,strangely intimidated by the action even though they'd faced far worse and much,_much_ creepier. "As for _you_ lot.....what the fuck did Mayuri and Kisuke do to cause....this?" Ichigo tensed and unknowingly adopted an attack stance,tail bristling. "How do you know they did this?"

The girl snorted and reached to the back of his neck,squeezing it gently with forefinger, middle finger,and thumb; this made him relax totally(completely against his will). "They came through here like three hours ago,and after making them reopen the portal I literally kicked them back through. Since that was about five minutes ago,I'm guessing when the thing opened and spit them out it sucked ya in. Portals are damned funny that way. Now who th'hell all is here?" Ichigo sighed before ticking off all those he knew on his fingers. "There's me,Kenpatchi, Grimmjow,Nemu obviously,Shinji,Ulquiorra,Ukitake,Unohana......" he paused. "I don't know WHO the hell those are," he declared,pointing to three other cats that were to his left. Kinta groaned. "I think I do.....oh yeah! I completely forgot- there's a guest today!" Remi,who had been standing and staring in shellshock all this time,pounced on Kinta from behind and slammed her to the ground. "Damn straight! Now what the _fuck_ is going on here?!?!" Kinta levered herself up,seemingly an effortless thing despite the hundred and twenty or so pounds planted squarely in the center of her back. "Magic shit,space-time continum,portals and interdemensional rips,not to mention all the alternate dimensions themselves. It would be hard, boring,and headache-inducing were I to explain it all now." Remi was silent for a second,then suddenly responded "Okay" and pounced on Nemu,groping the other woman's chest thoroughly(it turns out she'd been staring at Nemu intently while Kinta talked; it appeared the sight of the girl had completely captured Remi's focus for the moment and she couldn't be bothered with something as mundane as what the fuck was going on).

For Nemu's part,she handled the situation as calmly as if she'd been ordered to go pick up some equipment for her father. Her eyes widened maybe a milimeter (Kinta wasn't sure there was a smaller measurement) and her monotone voice came after a single slow blink. "Excuse me,miss,but what are you doing? I do not understand." Remi grinned widely up at her from her place where her chin was firmly planted between the purple-haired girl's breasts. "It's a greeting." Nemu was quiet a moment,then blinked again. "Oh. I see." He tilted her head. "Am I expected to return the greeting in this social circle?" "Not nessessarily," Kinta suddenly answered from above them,looking calm but with a strange glint in her eye,"You being from a social culture different from our own,you are not required to return the greeting. You simply need to accept the greeting and not push her off- pushing her off would be rude,not acknowledging her good-natured greeting." Nemu nodded and continued to sit where she was as Remi shamelessly groped to her heart's content. Grinning,a tall tanned man with red lines running over his shoulders,chest,and arms sidled up to Kinta's side. "A greeting,huh?" Kinta smirked at him,eyes becoming half-lidded as the dull green suddenly seemed to glow. "With the women,yes,Greed. When men are greeted by women,and by the way women do the greeting here and take charge,there are three options- a crotchgrope,usually for either attractive men or friends, and assgrope for people you're not familiar with but are attractive,and of course the ass _slap_. Those are for the really hot ones and aren't just a greeting,but a signal of "Holy Hades you are one SMOKIN fine man,notice me 'cuz I'd bang you in a heartbeat without even knowing your name."

Sitting on the nearby couch,Kinta explained,"Our soceity is women-dominated,and extremely public with affection....I beleive other cultures refer to it as 'blatant sexual displays in unseemly places such as parks and sidewalks'. Gropes,slaps(the playful kind),kisses,even sex are are socially accepted norms here no matter where you are- in a club,a resturant,train,doesn't matter." The brown-haired girl then proceeded to make up quite a lot more bullshit facts to fuck with her charge's minds about thier "culture",getting the men rather excited,then suddenly stood and walked to the kitchen doorway,adding,"But none of this knowledge is of use to you anyway- none of you lot are allowed to leave my house- Oh stop groaning like that,did you think I would actually let you misbehave just becuase you're in my dimension? -except for..." she stopped, frowning,and walked over to where Remi was still on the floor nuzzling Nemu happily. "Hey honey,what's your name? An' why did ya show up at my place anyway? Ya never got a chance ta say anythin' before all this shit started,so le'ts begin anew; I'm Kinta Morinojashii,vet extrordinare,manager of interdemensional relations and pets,and tamer of animals,not to mention in desperate need of an assistant to help me keep all this bullshit straight. And you are?"


	7. NOT A CHAPTER, PETITION

Have you heard? The owners of FanFiction are planning on taking down stories that have lemons! Apparently, they don't believe that stories that have such mature stuff should be allowed. Its not our fault that such things are interesting to us. If they wanted to do something, they would just make a MA rating category that contains stuff like that, bellow is a petition that is signed by authors who share the same feelings we do. Read it, Sign it, and Pass it on.

Greetings to the fine folk that moderate our site.

Myself, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors.

For some, that means the permanent loss of a story. While I don't have anything that I believe violates your terms of use, there are those out there that are never able to recover a story in its originalform, this is something I find to be almost worthy of a legal action, as while we cannot claim ownership of a character, the stories are OURS and simply destroying them is something that is inexcusable.

It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added.

If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests.

While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be looseing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation.

For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this.

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